Twisted Quotes

A few random quotes:

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. --Henny Youngman

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. --George Burns

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket. --Kin Hubbard

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive. --Elbert Hubbard

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. --Albert Einstein

Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work. --Gallagher

You may be young only once, but you can be immature your whole life.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make when they go flying by.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Being married means you've found the one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Some people like my advice so much, they hang them up in frames on their walls instead of using it.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your beer.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!

If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left.

If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.